Zebedee....

"Walking a little farther, Jesus found two other brothers sitting in a boat, along with their father, mending their nets. Their names were Jacob <or James> and John, and their father Zebedee. Jesus immediately walked up to them and invited the two brothers to become his followers. Jacob and John dropped their nets, stood up, left their father in the boat with the hired men, and followed Jesus." - Mark 1:19-20

I was 20 years young when I gave birth for the first time. That moment, when I heard the first cries of this delicate, fragile treasure that just entered the world through my very body, I was changed. Forever changed. I'd never be just a twenty year old child trying to find her mark in this great big world, but rather, a twenty year old child, and mother of the most beautiful, precious baby I had ever laid eyes on, for the rest of my life. This was a love like nothing I had ever experienced before. To be a mother, whether you give birth, or you welcome into your home and heart a child to love and raise for the rest of your life, is the most special, precious blessing one could ever experience on this side of Heaven. This I am sure of.

"Children are God's love-gift; they are heaven's generous reward."- Psalm 127:3

Three times I have been blessed to experience this euphoric moment. Each time was it's own unique fairytale. I say fairytale, as in, it was a rollercoaster of emotions and drama. The shock and uncertainty upon finding out, and then the joy that the realization brought about, and then the labor. Well, that is a whole experience all of itself. But then it comes, the moment you touch the skin for the first time, of this life that you have been guarding and protecting and nurturing inside of your womb. You look into those glazed over, barely open eyes that struggle to find focus as it experiences for the first time, the colors of the world around them. The first cry, and following that, the moment that you press your child's ear up against your heart, and the sound of your heart beating soothes him or her. The reaction to your voice for the first time. It really is something so incredibly miraculous. Not to mention the nine months prior to this moment. How did this moment even come about? What a special place the womb is. You do your best to be as healthy as possible, but the reality is that you are not in control of what is or isn't happening in there. God is. Only God is.

"You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother's womb."- Psalm 139: 13

I feel like that sense of control follows us from that moment, of first of finding out that we are going to be a mother, until something disrupts that. For me, that sense of control that I thought I had was in protective nature, and love. I wanted to protect my children from any kind of hurt or pain. The lines blurred between loving and nurturing and trying to prevent and control. I didn't know the difference. I just knew that it was miserable. I was anxious all of the time. All of the time.

"God I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares." - Psalm 139:23

I was afraid to go to the store, or the gym or anywhere because if something happened to me, the way it happened to my mother, then my children would grow up with that same pain of missing me. I was terrified every single time that my children were in the care of any other person, except me. It had nothing to do with trusting the other person, it was just simply the fact that a person other than me was responsible for their well being. They surely would not think of all the things that could happen, like I do, and prevent them from happening.

Sound exhausting? Oh, believe me, exhausting doesn't even begin to cover it. There are so many things wrong with this picture. Of course I can look back and see that now, but at the time, I was really just trying to be the best mom I could be. I was losing myself in the process. I was losing my joy. I was also wiring my brain to overanalyze and worry over everything. That need to be in control of everything, in order to prevent painful situations, seeped into every crevice of my life. That need to control, actually made me lose control of my life. I didn't see it happening. But the pressure that kept mounting up on my shoulders just pushed me further and further into a dark hole of anxiety and sometimes depression.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:6-7

I prayed obsessively over every angle that I worked out in my mind that could harm my family. I prayed from a place of deep fear, and worried that if there were things I had forgotten to pray about beforehand, that they would happen and it would be because I didn't think of that scenario first. I remember, after walking in to check on my son, at 18 months old, having a febrile seizure in his crib, I had to constantly check on my children as they slept. Even to this day, 7 years later, I still find myself getting up to check on all of them while they sleep. Not often, but sometimes. It still creeps up. Did I mention how exhausting this was?

There is one major detail that I had been overlooking during these years of torment. My children are not mine. They are, but they are mine through God. They are His children first. That control I thought I had was a lie. The responsibility that I was carrying was actually not mine to carry. It is not mine because I am not able to bear that responsibility. Remembering my frame, dust, I feel a tinge of foolishness looking back to all that time I spent thinking that my worrying was somehow making a difference. The only difference it was making was inside of me. It was stealing away the joy and blessing of motherhood. It was stealing away everything that made this the most precious gift God graciously honored me with.

"You know all about us, inside and out. You are mindful that we're made from dust."-Psalm 103:14

Fast forward to today. Here is what has set me free: Every single day, I give God thanks for entrusting me with His children. I then, give them back to Him. I am placing them in His care, allowing Him to pave the paths that He has meticulously set in place for them, rather than me coddling them and running down every path that feels safe to me. I ask Him daily for the grace to submit to His will for them. I pray for the convictions to show themselves clearly, in the places that I find myself reverting back to controlling. I talk to Him about whom He has called them to be, rather than defining them myself. I don't want to ever stifle them in their purpose. My job as a mother is not to pave their path and tell them who they are. My job is to pray fervently over them, passionately loving them through my love for Christ. Rearing them into their divine calling, with God. I am not doing this alone. The weight that was removed from my shoulders in the realization of my place, as their mother, not their God, was life changing. In fact, it was life-giving.

Zebedee, ahh, in my opinion was so understated, his place in the Bible. He seemed to be mentioned so passingly, but there is so much to be learned from his brief mention. Zebedee was a fisherman. From what little is known about him, he was likely wealthy, because in this time period, commercial fisherman were usually prominent, and it is mentioned that he had hired hands to help on the boat. We learn later, that his family is actually in business with Simon (Peter) and Andrew. Zebedee's sons were James and John, who became two of the inner 3 disciples. Jesus walked up to them one day and invited them (James and John) to be His followers, and they immediately dropped their nets and followed Him. What does this tell us about Zebedee?

Zebedee knew who Jesus was, and he knew that his sons' callings belonged to God. His name, Zebedee, means "my gift". How beautifully appropriate this is! He willingly gifted his sons to Jesus. He understood that their purpose was not helping him run the family business, as I am sure he enjoyed and relied upon, but their purpose was to be followers of Jesus. And Zebedee's purpose was to do the will of God.

Zebedee's wife, Salome, <her name only mentioned in Mark's gospel (Mark 16: 1-8)> was a female follower of Jesus as well. In fact, she is the one who approached Jesus with her two sons and asked Him to make a decree that they would rule in His kingdom, sitting on the right hand and one on the left. This is where Jesus tells them that they do not know what they are asking. He asks Jacob (James) and John if they are willing to drink from the cup of suffering that He would have to drink. They said that they were willing, but Jesus told them that it was not His decision to make, but rather His Father, who chooses and prepares them. She is mentioned with Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jacob and Joseph a few times, as well. They followed Jesus from Galilee to be a support system. They were there, watching from a distance, as He was crucified, and they also returned to His tomb, after three days, to anoint Him with spices, which is where the angel appeared and told them that He had risen and to go tell the disciples the good news.

<Scripture references for Zebedee:> Matthew 4:21, 27:56; Mark 1:19-20, 15:40, 16:1-8; Luke 5:8-10 ,23:49

Again, I have to stop and think about Zebedee once more. While he was running the family business, his wife was following Jesus, just as his two sons were. I am really inspired and humbled by his submissiveness to God. I'm sure it was hard to let his children go so willingly. I think about that. Letting go. How-when we love them so much? We love them so much it literally hurts, but I wonder how often does our love for our children actually hurt them, also?

Love. Such an incredibly strong emotion that takes over us. I truly believe that there is no love like the way we love our children. Soak that in for just a moment. Really ponder that love that captivates your entire being. When I think of the amount of love I am physically able to give and feel for another being, it makes me wonder how much more am I loved by my Father, above? I couldn't possibly fathom the depths of His love. I don't think in my human form, it is possible to even touch the surface of truly grasping the amount of love that is being showered upon me, by my Heavenly Father. And you know, that same amount of love He has for us, He has ,also, for our children, which are His children, too. We can't possibly take care of them, and protect them, or bless them the ways that He can. Here comes a hard swallow, realize that we don't even know our children the ways He knows them. He adores them, the same way He adores you. He adores their laughter and watches them with eyes that never drift away. You may have brought them out of your womb into the world, but He brought them out of dust into existence.

"The same way a loving father feels toward his children-that's but a sample of your tender feelings toward us, your beloved children, who live in awe of you." - Psalm 103:13

The first time that I prayed that prayer, that acknowledgment that He was whom my children belonged to and that I would do my best to be submissive to the plans that He has for them, not my own, I was kind of nervous. I know myself. I am a bit of a control freak. Ugh. I'm working on it friends! Something about relinquishing that illusion of control completely unravels me. Did you catch that? That illusion of control that I think I have. I don't have it to begin with. So, I am really surrendering what? That's right! An idea. I am just surrendering the idea that I think I am in control of things that are out of my control. Can I explain to you the level of relief I felt to let go of such a huge responsibility that I was never meant to handle in the first place?

Thank You, Father, that You are the One in control, and not me. And Thank you even more for continuing to pour you grace and mercy over my life and my children, even as I stepped on Your toes, and left You out of the picture so many times. Yet, You were still there, merciful and gracious to embrace me and untangle the knots and clean up the messes that I've made. You are so good. So so good, Father. I love you.

I know I normally wait until the end of the post to pray, but I just couldn't resist this moment to confess my love and gratefulness a little extra on this post. Friends, if I went into all of the details over the last fourteen years of being a mother, an exhausted, anxious, depressed, impatient, lonely, overwhelmed mother, we'd be here for the next year reading this post! What I'm trying to tell you is that it didn't have to be that way, and I'm so grateful that it isn't that way now. I implore you, as a friend, to surrender what isn't even yours to begin with back to Your Father. Let Him release You from the burden of things out of your control, and raise your children with Him. He is such a good, good Father.

Being a parent is such an amazing gift, and though you will go through trying times, and valleys, and stress, you will never ever have to go it alone, if you let Him in. Let Him bless your precious children the ways that He desires to. Let Him pave their path. He knows where it leads. Let's learn from Zebedee, and truly embrace our identity, which is first and foremost, a child of God, and everything we have been blessed with, even our children, also belong to Him first. God knows your love for your children, and He knows how difficult it is to retreat from your will for them, and fully surrender to His. How pleasing this is to Him, when you place full faith and trust in Him with your must precious treasure. He will not fail you. He will not fail them either. We may, in our own strength, unintentionally fail our children. We are only human, broken at best, but saved by His unfailing grace. Friends, we need His grace, His mercy, His guidance, His wisdom, His knowledge, His love, His forgiveness. We need Him. And He is so willing and ready to embrace us. Won't we let Him?

"Lord, you're so kind and tenderhearted and so patient with people who fail you! Your love is like a flooding river overflowing its banks with kindness."- Psalm 103: 8-9

So, if you ask me, "How much do you love your children?" I will tell you, "Enough to surrender them as "my gift" back to my Father."

Dear Heavenly Father,

Where can I even begin in thanking You for all You have done for us? How many unseen miracles You have commanded on our behalf to protect us. How about all of the ones that we have seen You perform? It's overwhelming trying to grasp the measure of Your love for your children. I pray right now, Father, for every person reading this, that You would clothe them in a sheet of Your love that they can soak in this very moment. Let them feel, if even just for a moment, a deeper embrace of Your love, reminding them that they can entrust You with everything. I ask You, Father, for a cloud to be stamped above them that would just shower Your love down on them and their families, saturating them with Your favor. You are a good Father, and we are so humbled by Your love. Thank You Lord. We give you everything, even our children, whom we hold so tightly. Willingly we gift them back to You, knowing that they are Yours first. We are humbled by the fact that You would even entrust us with such a precious treasure, but we can't raise them without You. We ask You, right now, Father, to plant Your Holy Spirit within our hearts and within the hearts of our children, instilling a desire to know You and love you with every breath they take. We ask You to bless every purpose, plan, and design that You have placed on our children from this day forward. We love You. In the precious name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.

Be Blessed, Friends!

-xoxo-

-Bethany Hope